figmental

For Sale:
One cool springtime ride. Low mileage, maybe a large handful of city blocks and several trips to the neighborhood library. (The original owner grew too tall, too quickly to use this trike for very long.)

Features:

• Shiny bell that alerts folks they’re about to be mowed down on the sidewalk and — AND! — annoys the bejeezus out of the adult in charge of the little rider.
• Handlebar streamers in lieu of a speedometer. If the streamers are parallel to the ground, you are going down a very steep hill and are totally out of control. Or it’s just a windy day. If they’re hanging straight down you are stopped.
• White wall tires. Come on over and give ’em a kick.
• Adjustable two-colored seating for one. Not padded, but kids this age couldn’t care less. Also, the seat is not heated nor is there automatic driver seating position memory. Again, they just don’t care.
• Room for a passenger. Or two with some creativity. Standing room only.

New models sell for $68.50 (on Amazon). This model is yours for the low, low price of $40.

Plus, it’s already assembled, saving you having to explain to your child’s teacher why your little one repeated that string of expletives they learned while you were putting the ^%#! thing together.

I asked Lely why used Kleenexes were in the bathtub (like, seven of them).

Lely: I was sitting on the potty and had to blow my nose.

Me: Why didn’t you throw them away when you were done?

L: I forgot.

M: Can you remember next time?

L, exasperated: But I forget to remember!