Sometimes She Makes Excruciating Sense

April 11, 2012 § Leave a comment

I asked Lely why used Kleenexes were in the bathtub (like, seven of them).

Lely: I was sitting on the potty and had to blow my nose.

Me: Why didn’t you throw them away when you were done?

L: I forgot.

M: Can you remember next time?

L, exasperated: But I forget to remember!

Scrap of Paper

January 22, 2012 § Leave a comment

I found a note scribbled on an old magazine bookmark from December 2008. There’s a list of things to pick up from Target, a website to check out. Then I read a quote that I’d written down to make sure I wouldn’t forget it. I got the same crushed feeling when I reread it tonight as I know I did that day when I heard it:

“Mommy no angry. Feel much better now?”

I don’t remember what happened for her to have said that. I so hope she doesn’t either.

I’m sorry, Lely.


Conversation in My Head

January 21, 2012 § Leave a comment

Lely, after wiggling and dancing and insisting she doesn’t have to go to the bathroom, runs to the loo and I can hear her going and going.

Me: Wow, she’s peeing like a race horse.

Other Me: Hmm … more like My Pretty Pony.

I’d Give Her a Good Talking-To But I’d End Up Crying in Frustration

January 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

How do writers ever get words on the page? Topics, titles, or turns of a phrase appear to me when I’m in the shower, getting Lely to bed or seconds before I fall asleep. I’ve not found an adequate way to capture the thought before it’s lost and gone forever (dreadful sorry, Clementine). I know there’s the love of the craft and I should will my sleepy ass out of bed to commit those bon mots to the page. Turns out I have an even greater love of falling into delicious sleep. Bon mots be damned.

I’ve had full posts write themselves while I’m brushing my teeth only to lose them down the drain with my last rinse and spit. I’ve tried using technology to capture thoughts but nothing has worked well so far. For instance, Siri. We’re having a contentious relationship right now. Chick just doesn’t listen. When she does hear me she often tells me she “can’t do that” like I’m asking her to do something inappropriate instead of adding an item to a note.

A recent conversation with Siri (remembered from my memory because she was being difficult):

Me: [pushing home button on iPhone and bringing it to my ear]

Siri {di-ding}: “What can I help you with?”

Me [looking at the phone to see what’s going on, put it back to my ear]: {di-dong} “Add item to list.” [Look at phone again.] Shit, she’s turned off.

Me [pushing Siri/microphone thingy, put the phone to my ear, pull it down again to make sure she’s listening to me, it looks like she is]: {di-ding} “Add item to list.”

Siri: “I don’t know what you mean by ‘add item to list’.”

Me: “WTF, Siri? You just did it a few minutes ago.” [I look at phone. Oh, I’m on the wrong screen. Open the note I want to add an item to. Push microphone thingy, getting annoyed.]: {di-ding} “Add. Item. To list.” {di-dong}

Siri {di-ding}: “What would you like to add?”

Me: “Uh …”

Siri: {di-dong} “OK, I made the change to your note.”

After that last exchange she tells me she doesn’t understand the words I’m using. Which, she does. The good folks at Apple just want you to think she doesn’t understand those words. They’re programmers for shit’s sake. I know they know those words.

At this point I would type directly into the note whatever the thought had been but it was lost somewhere around the WTF part of the “conversation”.

Go ahead and call it user error. I call in infuriating.

On the Web for Nine Years

December 6, 2011 § Leave a comment


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